This upcoming wednesday marks 18 weeks and our second ultrasound. We're a little bit... nervous.
I'm mostly excited. I can feel the womb ninja in there kicking away all day long. Such a weird sensation. I don't think I've ever felt something before that was so odd feeling that I still also considered nice. I can't wait to see how it all looks.
NightDaddy seems to have the gitters about the "realness" of everything. The kicks are still too small to be felt on the outside, yet, so he hasn't had a personal connection with the baby the same way I have. I'm hoping the ultrasound will be a special moment when we can both experience the baby together.
There is also fear that the baby might not be healthy. That it might be not just sick but very, very sick. We try to acknowledge that anxiety without letting it consume us.
Folks have started asking if we're going to find out the sex of the baby. Some are hoping we'll say "yes," while others are betting on a "no." We are going to find out. If it's possible. Of course, if the doctor can't get a good look, we won't be making a big production of it.
A close friend of mine was quite disappointed when I confessed our plan to find out. Her feelings are that in-utero is far too soon to be gendering a person. She's concerned about all the stereotypes and expectations that get heaped on a fetus due to the nature of it's genitals. I understand. Her girlfriend is transgender. I'm transgender. We don't have genitals that match our gender. It happens.
I have another friend who is raising his child without disclosing the sex. He and his partner use the Swedish gender neutral pronoun "hen" and their little one is around 5 months old now. They decided to wait until the child tells them.
We don't have the kind of friends who would shower us with pink onesies and lace booties if the baby has a vagina or dinosaur pattern hats and toy trucks if it has a penis.
NightDaddy wants to know everything about his little baby that is possible to know. Knowing the sex will help him feel more connected. It will make the baby feel more "real." It will take some of the trouble out of the naming nightmare.We can stop calling it "it."
Our baby might be gender non-conforming. Maybe gay. Maybe transgender. Maybe some new label that we will never have even heard until it comes out of that beautiful teenage mouth. That's okay. In our family we celebrate strength, compassion, creativity, passion and discernment in all colors and styles. We will give our baby a pronoun, but like all our gifts, this one will be given with possibilities not expectations.